11 April 2010

Your "Comfort" is Making Me Uncomfortable

If you wear shorts, prepare to be offended. (That's as much of a disclaimer as I'm going to offer.) Shorts being defined as a lower body garment with holes for each leg but any fabric covering the actual legs does not extend below the knee.

By my calculations, only 3 percent of the United States population is capable of wearing shorts properly. I see young women who refuse to admit that they have saddlebags at 19 (blame your genetics, you can't do a thing about it)wearing what amounts to a denim diaper and women who can't pack it into one movie theatre seat proudly strutting out in the spandex version. Grandpas everywhere pull their polyester shorts from Wal-Mart up to their man-boobs and my brothers in the neighborhood sag the plaid and I've more than once thought they were wearing their jammies.

Shorts look cute on the following people: kids at summer camp, soccer players of any age and any person, regardless of how ill-fitting, doing landscaping work in their own back yard. If you do not fall into any of these categories, please do not wear shorts. And, as a gentle reminder, if you violate this prohibition and wear cotton shorts that feel like they *might* be bunching in the crotchal area- they are. And we can all see how hungry your nether regions are because your privates are eating the shorts.

Might I suggest a lovely and cool linen pant? Perhaps a breezy cotton skirt? A flowing summer dress is flattering, quite comfortable and will adequately mask the orange peel residing on the back of your thighs. Men, I will give you a pass for some longer, cargo style shorts but only if there isn't an implied trade between seeing your lower leg AND the crack of your butt. Shorts are equipped with belt loops.

Believe me, when you see the pictures from the barbeque up on facebook, you will thank me.